Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Please don't give away my fajitas
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
