Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
