Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
Randomize
