You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
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