My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I also tried to hide a bottle of vodka in a build a bear last night so that something that happened in my life
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
