Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
Last time i carry you out of a forest
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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