I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
