Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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