I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
