That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I checked into jail on foursquare
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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