I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
