When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
