I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
I don't care how many things you caught on fire, it's still not as bad as doing coke and then filming yourself having sex.
Randomize
