"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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