Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
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he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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