It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Houston, we have a squirter
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
