just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Randomize
