I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
