Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Randomize
