Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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