So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
You have to summon your inner elephant
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
