Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
