i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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