I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
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