Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
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