what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Randomize
