I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
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