so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Someone just uploaded pictures on facebook of you making out with random girls. I'm telling you because I'm assuming you don't remember anything, but the 236 pictures in the album should give you a good clue.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
Randomize
