I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
