and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Hey! Thanks for asking, but it didnt go well. He threw up in the car on the way to dinner. Blind dates arent for everyone.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
Randomize
