The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
