im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
he only noticed i dyed my hair purple like halfway through sex and he looked really shocked and he just said "You look like Barney." as he came.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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