Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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