I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
