so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
