i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
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