Moan for me like Helen Keller
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
