He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
i was so proud for not passing out at the same time as usual. i screamed that i had a "new personal best!" then some jackass explained daylight savings.
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