Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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