at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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