Hahahaha do you think bella ever gave edward head?
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
