Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
