I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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