dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
