I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize
