"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
my liver is dry heaving