she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
