Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
Randomize
