Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Randomize
