How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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