just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
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Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
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We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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