watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
