I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
