I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
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