Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Quick, to the slutcave!
so she asking me "is it okay to have dangling labias?"
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
