That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
I would fuck him just for his dog
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
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